I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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