So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
