Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
