I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
