You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize