i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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