Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
