I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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