If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize