I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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