I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
