I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
