don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
