We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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