Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
