Plan B is the new Plan A
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I will pee on everything he values.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
