if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
