I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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