Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
