Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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