If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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