worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize