rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
