Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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