meet me or not, i'm out of control
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
