see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
