So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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