Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize