Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
