Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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