I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
