Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize