she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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