Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
