VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize