My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Randomize
