How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
