The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
This is classic penis vs brain.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize