Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
