You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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