How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
