i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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