I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
