If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
