Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
