no, he came in my armpit
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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