and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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