grandma shit on top of the toilet
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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