I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
