I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize