No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The struggles of a small town man whore
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
