News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
