My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
