Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
