im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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