my phone needs a breathalizer
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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