Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
